You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
