YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
