My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I think I just sharted jello shots
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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