Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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