I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
