Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Everclear isn't food dammit
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