This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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