I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i want to swaddle you in tequila
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
