I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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