goodnight i made you a song goodbye
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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