you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
