just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
