How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
