Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
