Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
