I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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