if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
