Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
why is half of my head shaved?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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