You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
