Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
