he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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