Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
