my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
