You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
