i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
