currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
