I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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