I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
