I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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