I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Randomize
