did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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