Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
