Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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