This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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