don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
