all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize
