Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
