i just snorted my name. best moment ever
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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