your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
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