YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
soo... how was my night?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
