my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
