I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
