Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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