A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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