the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
