masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
