i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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