everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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