dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
handjob tips. give me some.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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