What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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