based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
