The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
