You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
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