this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
