Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
