Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
