I'm eating all of the evidence.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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