You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
